We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
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If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
what
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
the best thing i’ve ever made
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.