We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Comparing yourself to others
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
lmao
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
dutch is not a serious language
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.