Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
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Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Media, stop using the phrase ‘breaking news’. It’s been broken for some time now.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.