“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
You Might Also Like
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.