“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
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GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
can’t believe I got front row seats
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.