@pixelatedboat

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

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@3sunzzz

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

@Contwixt

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

@AristotlesNZ

We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.

@IamEnidColeslaw

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

@PortRooster

Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?

Me: Blurple.

*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”

@Ivsy01

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

@EndhooS

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

@97Vercetti

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro