@pixelatedboat

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

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@HelloJessicaFox

I’m going to visit a dairy farm and pet all the cheeses and see if they’ll eat out of my hand.

@Ludacrys414

I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”

@onion_an

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

@SteveDutzy

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

@vexroid

All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.

@pplwtching

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

@SnarkyMommy78

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

@mom_tho

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

@tracietom

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

@GrantTanaka

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.