“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
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FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.