“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

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Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?


Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.


We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.


are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked


Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?

Me: Blurple.

*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”


Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.


[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”


whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro