We’re out of toilet paper, also don’t pet the cat.

You Might Also Like


I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.


Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.


The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.


cdc: don’t go out

me: ok

cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs

me: no problem

cdc: [sweating] or restaurants

me: damn. drive-thru?

cdc: still open

me: this doesn’t affect me at all


My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.



7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters


Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.


*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*


Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.


Rey: Look. I still have two hands.


[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this