Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
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I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
The answer is funnier than the question
My five year plan is a meteorite
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Said the murderer.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
This could be us… but you playing
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”