Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

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At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music


Advertised as a “Cougar Cruise”

Reality – Weight loss cruise where live cougars are released & you spend your vacation fleeing large cats


I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.


DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience.

ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.


Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works


the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes


Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.


There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried


GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit