Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
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I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[adds another nod to the conversation]
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I laughed at this way too hard.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.