You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
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Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My brain is a bad influence on me
one of
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?