We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
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Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it