We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

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Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success


“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”


[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”


It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.


grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes


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Anyone here good with computers? Trying to figure out how to attach a swarm of wasps to an email


Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need “lives” as if I didn’t already know that.


PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds