there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
craving $300 all of a sudden
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Donkey Kong sommelier