@TheMichaelRock

We’re shutdown, but not ‘stop collecting taxes’ shutdown.

– the government

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@ShanaRose21

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

@markleggett

I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”

@SvnSxty

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

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@stevevsninjas

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

@usermcuserface

Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.

@ComedicBust

I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.

@RunOldMan

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.