If I ever say, “Do you want me to be honest?” Say no.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
“I’m not sure yet”