@NoogsCorner

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

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@girl_a_whirl

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

@Love_bug1016

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

@withanewname

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

@TheBoydP

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

@Ideal_Victoria

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

@jobrowneyes

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

@Gupton68

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

@ConanOBrien

One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.

@Jenny4ashley

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”