Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
the #horror is real!
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family