It’s a good thing earthquakes don’t happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
You Might Also Like
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt.
Complete waist of time.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night