We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

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NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.


[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*


I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…


A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”


*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*


Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.


“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.


Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes


[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up


God: One last thing before I let you in. Let’s look at your Google search history.

Me: I’ll show myself out.