@WilliamAder

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

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@captainkalvis

It’s a good thing earthquakes don’t happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground

@MarfSalvador

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

@Spaziotwat

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

@Jenny4ashley

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

@JohnLyonTweets

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

@M3lissaMcDonald

I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt.

Complete waist of time.

@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

@primawesome

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

@AimeeHelene1

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.