NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
You Might Also Like
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
God: One last thing before I let you in. Let’s look at your Google search history.
Me: I’ll show myself out.