We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
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Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
This anagram machine is out of order.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.