“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
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Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*