“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

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customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college


me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish


I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs


me being petty:

*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*


I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.


I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces


If someone got my name tattooed on them I’d break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.


[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case