@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

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@seancehat

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

@parsfarce

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

@Prof_Hinkley

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

@compIexed

me being petty:

*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*

@BoomBoomBetty

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

@lakeanagirl

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

@deegeemindi

If someone got my name tattooed on them I’d break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.

@PaperWash

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case