We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
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If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh