We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
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ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Okay
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.