were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Monica just destroyed the internet
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
road rage
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine