i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
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Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now