Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.