@ThatBrenna

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

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@roggyie

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

@theshantilly

*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend

*keeps avoiding eye contact

*walks by friend

*hears friend calling name

*breaks into a run

@daemonic3

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

@stevevsninjas

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

@Pro_Jones_

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

@dadopotamus

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

@

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@iamburtjarvis

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

@LuvPug

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

@Jason_maybe

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.