Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.