@slimmy_shady

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

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@MrEd_EVH

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

@NickBossRoss

Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?

@EllaZee5

date: yeah love dogs, omg my ex had a snake, freaked me out, can you imagine being in bed hearing hissing and-

Medusa: *adjusts large hat* HAHA TOTALLY LMAO hey do you like 🎶THE SINGING GAME we just sing loud it’s not to cover up the sound of 🎶ANYTHING

@Social_Mime

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

@stevevsninjas

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

@angibangie

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

@GoddessTitty

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

@IcyAndSpicy

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.