@slimmy_shady

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

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@_Shizzle

Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.

@sofarrsogud

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

@bornmiserable

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

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@HatfieldAnne

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

@Aricka_Shuck

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

@frogshack

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

@mikealfredcaine

shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog

@Brentweets

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.