Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
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Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?
date: yeah love dogs, omg my ex had a snake, freaked me out, can you imagine being in bed hearing hissing and-
Medusa: *adjusts large hat* HAHA TOTALLY LMAO hey do you like 🎶THE SINGING GAME we just sing loud it’s not to cover up the sound of 🎶ANYTHING
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.