What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
never compromise your values
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.