#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
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If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Fights fire with marshmallows