We’ve all been there
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“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”