We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
decorating my apartment
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?