We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
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9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit