@ItsAndyRyan

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

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@AndrewChamings

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

@Playing_Dad

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

@Skullcat

When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.

@Jmboyd58

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

@coolauntV

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

@PanicRestroom

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

@isabelzawtun

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

@MamaFizzles

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

@CantEven101

Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”