I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
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chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Cop: are you on drugs?
Me: no of course not
Me: [Gollum voice] he lies to you
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.