“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
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[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
NASA has no chill
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Ironic
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here