@garrydavenport

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

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@KentWGraham

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

@fro_vo

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

@SaraMansford

If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.

@wife_housy

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

@GlumGeorgeLucas

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@AnniemuMary

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

@PatsATweetin

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”