We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
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Accurate
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move