therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
How software testing works
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
The devil.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance