“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
You Might Also Like
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
some Old Testament wisdom
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.