America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
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All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
*Aims for the moon*
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
By the age of 30 you should have
1. $100 in your account
2. a knee pain
4. back pain
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
*trying to do a quick errand*
Person In Front Of Me: I have so many questions about stamps