We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
You Might Also Like
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I was just discussing this with my cat
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
This makes total sense…
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?