@VisionBored1

We’ve had our first casualty of the virus in my house. RIP my husband’s beard. Please respect my privacy at this time.

We’ve had our first casualty of the virus in my house. RIP my husband’s beard. Please respect my privacy at this time.

- @VisionBored1

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@thedadvocate01

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

@gwatts77

Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.

@Fab_Mommy_

This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
Psychopath.

@LuvPug

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

@Schmoodles

I wish I was an American so that I had the right to bear arms. I’d probably go for panda bear arms because awwwww, so cute.

@JohnLyonTweets

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

@mean_spice

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

@humanaaron

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*