the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you