@VisionBored1

We’ve had our first casualty of the virus in my house. RIP my husband’s beard. Please respect my privacy at this time.

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@jjax44

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

@XplodingUnicorn

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

@AsgardianRose

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

@benicus_rex

The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”

@Fred_Delicious

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

@Proxic0n

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

@heidi420x

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

@LuvPug

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.