We’ve had our first casualty of the virus in my house. RIP my husband’s beard. Please respect my privacy at this time.

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I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”


My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.


Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!


The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”


“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”


Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?


I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.


I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.