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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.


If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.


“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*


If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.


Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.


If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.


Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff


To impress a woman in the workplace, ignore her body and compliment her IDEAS. Example: Sharon it was a great idea to wear that tight skirt