Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
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Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”