We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
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[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Danger is very dangerous
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.