@RandiLawson

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

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@gruffybeard

Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.

@SnarkyMommy78

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

@ellorysmith

I just want to find a beautiful house where a terrible crime has happened and so is being sold for well below market value

@FrazzleMyGimp

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

@WeissBrandon

I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

@MNateShyamalan

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

@GrantTanaka

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

@MichaelTrying

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

@PaulyPeligroso

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*