Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.
Dad: So you’re saying they almost…
Mom: Don’t do it!
Dad: …mowed you down.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
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Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I just want to find a beautiful house where a terrible crime has happened and so is being sold for well below market value
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*