We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
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When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Comparing yourself to others
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.