@Julian_Deane

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

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@LaniBeno

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

@dafloydsta

Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun.

Unless they have a gun.

@bornmiserable

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

@WeissBrandon

I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

@BillFienberg

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

@Easy_Tiger__

ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend

Are you:

1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?

DM for details

@devansgorock

Pro Tip: don’t believe everything on Twitter. Y’all said throw her up against the wall to keep her happy. Karen from accounting. Not Happy.