It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun.
Unless they have a gun.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend
1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?
DM for details
Kid: What will I look like when I’m old?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Pro Tip: don’t believe everything on Twitter. Y’all said throw her up against the wall to keep her happy. Karen from accounting. Not Happy.