We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
the red hot silly peppers
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Livid.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂