We've run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun.

Unless they have a gun.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend

Are you:

1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?

DM for details

Kid: What will I look like when I’m old?

Adult: Tired.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Pro Tip: don’t believe everything on Twitter. Y’all said throw her up against the wall to keep her happy. Karen from accounting. Not Happy.

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