We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.