@batkaren

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

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@CrissySpeaks79

My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.

@shariv67

God is like Justin Bieber. I have nothing against him personally, but his fan club is super annoying.

@bourgeoisalien

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

@DadZZZasleep

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

@SCbchbum

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

@TheToddWilliams

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

@ThisLocalHater

I can’t wait to be the first murder victim on tv who loved ones describe as “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m actually surprised it took so long”

@Shock_Monster

Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock