We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

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My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.


God is like Justin Bieber. I have nothing against him personally, but his fan club is super annoying.


At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”


wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you


I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.


PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue


I can’t wait to be the first murder victim on tv who loved ones describe as “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m actually surprised it took so long”


Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock