@FatBottomGirl1

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

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@TwinSurvivalist

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

@sixthformpoet

I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.

@behindyourback

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

@soulindivision

“I have to go eat cake now”, should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.

@anerdonfire2

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

@iGreenMonk

I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.

I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.

@GoldenSpirals

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

@internetluke

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.