We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

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[doctor gets job as 911 operator]

“What’s your emergency?”


“Hmm ok let’s wait a few weeks and see how it is then”


“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.


The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them


The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.


I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.


[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?


[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea


“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*


Knuckle Tats

(I) (H)(A)(V)(E) (W)(A)(Y) (T)(O)(O)
(M)(A)(N)(Y) (F)(I)(N)(G)(E)(R)(S)


6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you