@FatBottomGirl1

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

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@NicestHippo

[doctor gets job as 911 operator]

“What’s your emergency?”

MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE

“Hmm ok let’s wait a few weeks and see how it is then”

@DiamondLou69

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

@J_Illunninati

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

@chopper4jk

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

@3_livi

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

@mrjohndarby

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

@NotthatAdamWest

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

@drinksmcgee

Knuckle Tats

(I) (H)(A)(V)(E) (W)(A)(Y) (T)(O)(O)
(M)(A)(N)(Y) (F)(I)(N)(G)(E)(R)(S)

@DirtMcTurd

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you