Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
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*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I have never heard an armadillo before.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.