Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.