[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
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Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
こいつ天才
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat