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barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.