What a beautiful day! The sun’s shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor’s dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn…

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There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).


With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?


“bob is coming over for dinner”

“bob from work or bob who likes having sex with doors?”

(loud banging on the front door)


The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.


If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio


[plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]


Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…