1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
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[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.