@Sassafrantz

What a beautiful day! The sun’s shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor’s dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn…

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@kolchak

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

@Julian_Deane

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

@RadWizzy

“bob is coming over for dinner”

“bob from work or bob who likes having sex with doors?”

(loud banging on the front door)

@Evan_Hadfield

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

@KeithAshers

If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio

@ibid78

[plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…