“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
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Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
it must be school picture day
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!