@ibid78

“WHAT?!” – a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on

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@dumbbeezie

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

@dave_cactus

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

@PieChord

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

@OhReallyRach

Theres no ‘u’ in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

@adult_mom

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

@patnspankme

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

@DepecheALAmode

No, No, people. It’s okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist.