“WHAT?!” – a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on

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The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare


[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.


Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.


Theres no ‘u’ in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.


Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.


[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable


Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.


No, No, people. It’s okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist.