What a kind woman! 😂😂
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.