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Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Eat…
Seems a bit forward
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
FRED: right
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.